
Charlie
went to the vet’s last Tuesday to be neutered. He’s a little over
a year old now, which is the canine equivalent of being a rowdy
teenager with a learner’s permit—old enough to get into trouble,
and just young enough to think it’s a good idea.
He
jumped into the truck like we were headed on the greatest adventure
ever, tail wagging, tongue flapping,
not a care in the world. He strutted into the vet’s office like he
owned the place, sniffing every corner and introducing himself to
everyone. “Hi,
I’m Charlie. You smell like a snack. Wanna be friends?”
And then it hit him.
“Wait.
You’re leaving me here?”
he asked, ears back, eyes wide with betrayal.
“Yes,” I said,
channeling my calmest mom voice. “You’ll be fine. I’ll pick you
up later.”
Well, the dog we got
back that evening was not the same confident explorer who’d leapt
into the truck that morning. This one looked like he’d sat on a
wasp nest and was absolutely certain it was our fault.
Then came the
infamous Cone of Shame.
Even with that, by
Wednesday Charlie had pulled all his stitches out, broken the cone,
and ripped it off his head like it was on fire and full of bees.
“Charlie, what did
you DO?” I gasped.
He looked me dead in
the eye. “Stitches?
I don’t need no stinkin’ stitches!”
(Yes, that’s paraphrased from Blazing
Saddles,
but it was definitely the vibe.)
To top it off, his
regular vet was on vacation. Of course he was. It’s a universal
law: if something can go sideways, it will, and the vet will be
sipping margaritas somewhere out of cell range. So off we went to the
emergency clinic, where they gave him a bigger collar, a generous
helping of staples, and a round of antibiotics. Surely that
would do the trick. They also gave me a bill that could have bought a
used car and a headache big enough to have its own zip code.
By Thursday, he’d
broken the collar again and yanked out the staples for good measure.
When I confronted him, he made it clear he had no intention of being
held together with office supplies. This dog is part livestock
guardian, part Houdini, and part chainsaw—and I’m single-handedly
keeping Gorilla Tape in business just trying to keep the cone from
total collapse.
I called his regular
vet’s office again, and they gave me the ol’ shrug. Since he was
clearly on a mission to remove anything foreign from his body—no
matter how many times we reinstalled it—they said putting more
staples in would be “pointless.” The wound would eventually
granulate and heal on its own. (Granulate: fancy vet word for “It’ll
scab up if he stops acting like a maniac.”)
Their one helpful
tip? A blow-up pillow collar that looks like one of those neck
pillows people wear in airports. It’s supposed to keep the cone
from collapsing and maybe keep him from turning himself into a DIY
project again.
So now poor Charlie
is wearing a neck floatie and
the Cone of Shame. We’re keeping him inside to avoid fly strike,
and he's miserable. What should have been a few days of recovery
before he was back out with his goats has turned into weeks of indoor
incarceration, complete with wardrobe. He has lost not only his
dignity, but also his masculinity and his freedom—all at the hands
of the humans he once trusted.
He’s
taken to sighing dramatically and lying by the door, like a disgraced
action hero waiting for one last mission that will never come. Every
exhale is heavy with betrayal, every glance at the doorknob a silent
plea for freedom.
So here’s to
Charlie—formerly intact, veteran of suffering, fashion icon of
inflatable accessories, protector of goats, breaker of collars, and
sole survivor of The
Snipening.
His resume grows by the day.
Please send Charlie
your thoughts, prayers, and maybe a cone forged from steel-reinforced
titanium with NASA-grade duct tape. He’s going to need it.