News in the World of Science: (Satire, In Case You Didn't Guess)

Every once in a while, someone in the lab of life comes up with a discovery so absurd it makes perfect sense — and Pelosium fits the bill. Allegedly discovered by “unbiased” researchers with suspiciously sharp tongues, this mythical element supposedly has an atomic mass that doubles every election cycle and repels accountability at the molecular level.

Of course, the beauty of the Pelosium satire isn’t just in its poke at politics — it’s in how neatly it captures the frustration so many of us feel watching the political stage. The names change, but the symptoms remain: overreactive behavior, instability when exposed to truth, and a half-life conveniently timed to the next press conference. You don’t have to be a chemist to recognize the reaction — we’ve all seen it fizz, sputter, and smoke before disappearing into thin air.

Good satire works like a mirror. It reflects what’s already there but distorts it just enough to make us laugh instead of cry. “Pelosium” doesn’t need to explain itself — we all know exactly which elements of public life it’s lampooning. It’s the same formula that powered Mark Twain, Will Rogers, and every sharp-witted columnist since: tell the truth, but make it funny enough that people will actually read it.

So yes, the periodic table may never officially recognize Pelosium, but the rest of us can. It’s the element of absurdity that somehow keeps the whole political reaction going. A little volatile, a little ridiculous — and absolutely essential if we’re going to keep laughing while the lab burns.

Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science Discovered

Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science. The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Read more on this discovery.

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©2010 Sandy Davis | American Way Farm